Aquarius
Your love knows no bounds. Till tomorrow, when she bounds, and gags, and tortures you.
Pisces
Get ready to play host this weekend... to a flesh-eating alien that will chew his way out when he’s good and ready.
Aries
Your true love is waiting to meet you later this week. And by "true love" we mean "Gary", the giant you made fun of, while standing in line for movie tickets.
Taurus
You knew head wounds bled a lot, but you're going to want to hold onto your socks, because tomorrow’s is going to be a gusher.
Gemini
Your astrological sign will seen ironic for the first time later this week when the doctor gets those tests back for the lump on your neck and identifies it as your twin that never developed but has been capable of thoughts and emotions your whole life.
Cancer
At first, the dog you hit with your car won't seem significant. That is, until the dog's ghost shows up to haunt you. And urinate on your pillow. Ghost-dog urine… the worst.
Leo
Luckily you're ambidextrous. But your chainsaw-juggling career is over. (Also, you won't be having any kids.)
Virgo
Before you sign that deal with the Devil, see if you can negotiate for more that just "mad banjo skillz." Your soul is worth it.
Libra
Just before you pass out, you'll wish you had paid better attention at the first aid class you took, as the neck tourniquet was not a good idea.
Scorpio
The heart-to-heart you have with your mother later this week is going to be really emotional. But it's not till you have to smash in her zombie brain with a Louisville Slugger, that the real tears start to flow.
Sagittarius
They say that when a person is attacked and eaten by a wild animal, that person feels very little pain due to the amount of adrenaline in their bloodstream. Too bad you won’t get a chance to tell all those stupid doctors how wrong they were. Oh, how very, very wrong they were.
Capricorn
You knew Montezuma's Revenge was bad, but it's not until you pass your own stomach that you learn that Montezuma really has it in for you.
