Saturday, December 29, 2012

Craigslist Ad

FOR SALE: Two 1977, Caucasian Testicles

These testicles are 35 years old but handle like a pair half as old. Exterior in good condition with minimal weathering. Some minor trauma incurred due to a few head on collisions, but must assume interior in equally good condition since they are in perfect working order and have been pampered and stored in only the finest cottons and silks. Extremely low miles. Especially in the last 15 months since my last child was conceived.

Despite the fact that I'm very attached to this set I need to sell ASAP since they are extremely potent and have fathered four without effort and should no longer be in the hands of a hobby lover like myself.

Would like to sell as a pair since they have never been separated, but would consider selling separately if the offer was right.

Sorry, could not upload pictures since there is a problem with my camera. So you'll just have to come by to see. Sold with a few accessories (also not pictured).

Non-smoker, One owner, Title in hand, Very clean.
Please don't call if you are a passive shopper or serial test-driver. Serious shoppers only. And please, no low ball offers.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

#2: First Lines of Books I May Someday Write

1) There was an eerie mist in the air and the horses were restless as a dry, cold wind swept down through the steep canyons above. The clouds parted to reveal a full, yellow moon just as a lone wolf howled mournfully in the distance.  The scent of death hung in the air, as if drifting by from an unseen cemetery. Bruce was unfamiliar to this territory, but as he huddled beneath his horse blanket, trying to conserve his warmth, a few things were clear; He had to get dry. He had to use his last bullet wisely. And he had to finally tell his parents he was gay.

2) Ryan and Nancy had been trying to have a baby ever since they married six years ago. So you can probably imagine their genuine feelings of joy when after six years of trying, nine months of pregnancy, 13 long hours of strenuous labor, that baby finally came. You can probably also imagine their surprise when they learned that their baby was actually a Terminator; sent from the future to kill them before they had a chance to join the resistance.

3) The Zombie Wars had been raging for three years. A once great global population had been decimated. Only the Zombie hoard and a small, but well organized group of human freedom fighters remained. Lucky for Steve this war was taking place on the planet Triton, seven light years away. Here on Earth everything was hunky-dory, and Steve was thinking about getting some ice-cream.

4) For a six year old boy the hours before Christmas morning slow to a snails pace. Eternities come and go between each tick of the clock. It was hard for Jack to believe that after months of waiting, wishing, writing, and exercising the utmost self-control to avoid Santa's naughty list, the best day of the year was finally upon him. Jack knew he needn't wait any longer when he saw the Johnson family across the street start to gather around their well lit Christmas tree to start opening presents. In a fury Jack ran from his room, down the stairs, and into the living room screaming "It's Christmas! Wake up!" Once in the living room he stopped dead in his tracks and fell silent. There was no tree, no decorations, no tinsel, or Christmas cheer of any kind. Most disappointing, there was no pile of gifts like the one he spied through the Johnson's front window. It was only when Jack saw the Menorah on the mantle that he remembered he was Jewish.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Worst Things To Find In Your Trunk When the Police Are Searching Your Vehicle

A kilo of Cocaine

Jimmy Hoffa

Swine Flu

Another trunk (and you keep opening and realize you got stuck with one of those Russian Nesting Trunks)

Trunk Midgets

Your prom date (you haven’t been to the prom for over 13 years)


Your Virginity (And they said you could never get that back. Shows how much they know.)

An open container of unrefrigerated mayonnaise

10 Hot Dogs, and 8 Hot Dog Buns.

Dead Hookers

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Oscar Turns 4

Number 3 of 4 (who we also call Oscar) turned 4 this past week. As excited as I am to see him grow, I will really miss my little boy. Here are some excerpts from recent conversations with Oscar.

A week before Oscars 4th birthday.
OSCAR: Dad, when I'm foe I'll be able to say my ah's.

While on a walk outside.
OSCAR: Hey look. That's cat's gay. (He points to a gray cat.)
MOM: (confused) What?
OSCAR: That cat. It's not back. It's gay.
(He can't say his L's either.)

I recently took Oscar on a guys night out.
OSCAR: What's that red light up there?  (He pointed at the blinking red light on my dash that is part of the burglar alarm I've never used.)
ME: That's for the car alarm.
OSCAR: What's the alarm?
ME: It's to keep bad guys from breaking into my car and stealing it.
OSCAR: If a bad guy breaks in here, I'll just kick him in the face.

Shopping with his mom.
(Kathryn, Oscar's mom, was holding a twenty dollar bill Oscar had received from his grandmother for his birthday)
OSCAR: Mom, can I see my money?
(To be tricky Kathryn handed him a five dollar bill.)
OSCAR: Wait a second. This isn't my money. My money had different hair.

In his bedroom with his older brother, Cash.
OSCAR: Cash, you're the best brother nobody could ever have.
(Compliment OR Backhanded insult? You decide.) 

Right before bed.
OSCAR: Mom, sometimes I stick my hands down my pants and go, "Honk, Honk!"