#3: First Lines of Books I May Someday Write

1) "Nancy! The real reason this marriage is doomed to fail is because you're a Ms. Slutty McSlutterton!" Edgar exclaimed pugnaciously.


2) The 4th of July came every year for the Smith family and each year they celebrated it. Every year without fail the 4th came right after the 3rd, but right before the 5th, like clockwork. After several years Dad Smith grew suspicious. Maybe, he thought, it wasn't like clockwork. Maybe it was clockwork. Then his head exploded.


3) Two weeks of worrying had finally come to an end when Steve's dermatologist gave him the news that the mole on his lower back was not, in fact, cancerous. His worries only doubled however when the doctor informed him that the enormous bumps on his areolas were cancerous tumors and not, in fact, "super nips," as Steve affectionately called them.


4) Once again, just like last year, Wyatt got stuck stuck riding Apple, the miniature pony, for the annual cattle drive when they pushed the herd to market. And although the mini pony had saved Wyatt's life on more than one occasion, there were a lot of reasons Wyatt hated riding Apple. The fact that Wyatt was six feet tall and 220 pounds was definitely number one. Apple's constant bouncing and Wyatt's recent vasectomy didn't help much either.

#2: First Lines of Books I May Someday Write

1) There was an eerie mist in the air and the horses were restless as a dry, cold wind swept down through the steep canyons above. The clouds parted to reveal a full, yellow moon just as a lone wolf howled mournfully in the distance.  The scent of death hung in the air, as if drifting by from an unseen cemetery. Bruce was unfamiliar to this territory, but as he huddled beneath his horse blanket, trying to conserve his warmth, a few things were clear; He had to get dry. He had to use his last bullet wisely. And he had to finally tell his parents he was gay.

2) Ryan and Nancy had been trying to have a baby ever since they married six years ago. So you can probably imagine their genuine feelings of joy when after six years of trying, nine months of pregnancy, 13 long hours of strenuous labor, that baby finally came. You can probably also imagine their surprise when they learned that their baby was actually a Terminator; sent from the future to kill them before they had a chance to join the resistance.

3) The Zombie Wars had been raging for three years. A once great global population had been decimated. Only the Zombie hoard and a small, but well organized group of human freedom fighters remained. Lucky for Steve this war was taking place on the planet Triton, seven light years away. Here on Earth everything was hunky-dory, and Steve was thinking about getting some ice-cream.

4) For a six year old boy the hours before Christmas morning slow to a snails pace. Eternities come and go between each tick of the clock. It was hard for Jack to believe that after months of waiting, wishing, writing, and exercising the utmost self-control to avoid Santa's naughty list, the best day of the year was finally upon him. Jack knew he needn't wait any longer when he saw the Johnson family across the street start to gather around their well lit Christmas tree to start opening presents. In a fury Jack ran from his room, down the stairs, and into the living room screaming "It's Christmas! Wake up!" Once in the living room he stopped dead in his tracks and fell silent. There was no tree, no decorations, no tinsel, or Christmas cheer of any kind. Most disappointing, there was no pile of gifts like the one he spied through the Johnson's front window. It was only when Jack saw the Menorah on the mantle that he remembered he was Jewish.