Gay Tweakers

[The following post was written over a year ago while I was still living in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. For some reason I never posted it. I think I refrained from doing so because I didn’t think the humor translated well when I wrote the experience down. (That’s also my disclaimer if you don’t find it the least bit amusing.) Anyway, I never bothered erasing it because my dad passed away soon after, and this short post illustrated two of his strongest characteristics – his humor and his inability to pass someone in need without helping.]

The other night my dad, brother Patrick, and I were driving to my parent’s house in Kelly Wyoming, which is just outside of Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Before we got to the Kelly turn-off we noticed a hitchhiker with a cold thumb exposed, and decided to give him a ride. As soon as he was in the car we realized he was a little off. Having no experience in the field of psychology I was unable to diagnose his particular type or severity of off-ness but sufficed to say it was evident to anyone who may have encountered him. The following dialogue is as close as I can remember it.

Hitch: Thanks for stopping.

Dad: No problem. Where are you going?

Hitch: Dornans. (Dornans is one of those Dutch-oven-dinner/restaurant/gas station/fish-and-tackle sort of places. I’m somewhat blown away it’s not a nation wide chain.)

Pat: What do you do out there?

Hitch: I wait tables.

Dad/Pat/Me: Hmmm. Nice. Harrumph, harrumph.

Hitch: Where are you guys going?

Dad: I live in Kelly.

Hitch: Oh, okay. (pause) I sure am glad you guys are normal.

Me: What do you mean?

Hitch: Every time I hitch, I get picked up by the weirdest people. Just a few days ago I got picked up by these Indians that were totally wasted. I was sure that if we didn’t all die in a wreck, they were going to take me into the woods and beat me to death. And a few weeks before that I got picked up by two gay tweakers.

Me: What’s a gay tweaker?

Hitch: (looking at me with mild surprise due to my ignorance and then saying with a frank matter-of-factness) A gay tweaker. You know, a queer tweaker.

Dad/Pat/Me: (laughing at the misunderstanding)

Me: I figured out the “gay” part. What’s a “tweaker”?

Hitch: (again, with the same look of surprise) Someone who tweaks.

Dad/Pat/Me: (laughing)

Me: What does someone who “tweaks” do?

Hitch: They tweak; get high; take drugs.

Dad/Pat/Me: Oh, well. Of course. So simple. Should have known.

Dad: Well you lucked out because none of us are “gay-tweakers”. Although, (pointing to Me, then Pat) he’s gay and he’s a tweaker.

Hitch: (with look of concern) Really?


Needless to say, “Gay Tweaker” is now one of our favorite insults, and is used liberally on each other at any and all opportunities.

What's in a Name?

My brother Tom and I have been rocking under the name The Quinn Brothers for some time now. Unfortunately that name hasn't taken us anywhere. I blame the name because I refuse to believe there could be another explanation for our lack of success, like, we just suck. No, I won't admit that. It can't be true. My mom says we're good and mommies never lie to their children, so we're good. That said, rockin' tunes, dreamy melodies, thought provoking lyrics, and ridiculous good looks just aren't enough. We need a new name.

Below, I listed some ideas off the top of my head. Obviously some aren't as serious as others. But I'm just brain storming here.


Bucket-O-Puke
The Poor Snobs
American Ideal
The Racists
ToadStool Sample
Tender Moments
Tender Loins
The Pulled Hammies
Rubber Souls
Fire Retards
Hop Scotch
Crime Scene Investigators
The Artists Formally Known as The Quinn Brothers
Agent Yellow
Plastic Soldiers
Tar Stain
American Sons
Yankee Doodles
Fenetics
The Windbags
Grand Theft Autocrats
The Special Guys
Small Band
The Orphans
Unholy Cow

That's all I've got for now. But here's the deal, we're hoping everyone who reads this will also leave a suggestion of their own. Whether it's a vote for one already listed, a variation of one or more of the above, or something totally original, please tell us who The Quinn Brothers should be. (If it's important that you know what we sound like before you make your suggestion, go here.) If we choose your suggestion as our new band name you will win two free tickets (valued at $175 each) to a concert put on by a band that has not been named yet. Good luck.