Question 2

Assume you've just met the perfect mate. You and this new person are compatible in every way and your personalities compliment each other better than any person you've ever been with. You find this person intellectually stimulating while maintaining a high level of physical attraction for them. This person is successful, happy, and generally well rounded. They also get along surprisingly well with all of your friends who have congratulated you on finally finding your other half. Best of all, this person brings out the best in you. Since meeting them you feel like you are actually a better person.

After a month of dating, this person invites you to meet their family at the monthly Sunday family dinner, which they rarely miss. You accept, and attend the dinner with high expectations. Once there you realize that their family has an interesting quirk. They are obsessed with slapstick comedy, particularly that of The Three Stooges. The obsession has elevated itself to the point that it has almost overtaken their lives. This person’s dad has even made himself to look like Curly, while their mom has taken on the persona of Larry. After the first hour of the first visit you have already been slapped, whacked, nose smacked, yoinked, and bonked on the head more times than you can count. None of it is malicious, but all in good fun, and while you try to be polite, you are blown away by the family’s level of dedication to the show, which seems to be never ending. Even your significant other becomes part of the show as they take on a persona that is nothing like the person that you have already fallen in love with. However, as soon as you leave the home, this person immediately stops with the slapstick routine and becomes their old self. Not only that, but they also never speak of or reference the unusual Sunday dinners. This part of their lives is reserved strictly for the once-a-month dinners.

Knowing that these Sunday dinners will be a regular occurrence, could you be with this person?

Question 1

SCENARIO: You’ve just been in a major accident and are mortally wounded. In exactly 5 minutes you will be dead. The paramedics have already informed you of your certain demise and you have already gone through the Five Stages of Death; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and have just arrived at acceptance. Your family will be well taken care of as you have recently taken out a large life insurance policy on yourself. 4 minutes before you pass a Chinese angel appears above you and informs you that you are not going to Heaven. To your relief, you are also not going to Hell. Rather, you will be reincarnated, born again, into one of two possible lives.

Possibility 1: You can be born into your run of the mill, middle income, American family. There is nothing extraordinary about this family. They are normal in every way. You will have a good relationship with your parents and all of your siblings. You will be, for the most part, happy. But you will remember absolutely nothing from your previous life. You will start life from square one as a newborn infant.

Possibility 2: You are born with every one of your memories intact. Even as a newborn infant, while breastfeeding, you will know who you are, where you came from, what your real age is, and you will be able to think and reason with the same depth you now enjoy. But, you will be born into the most backward, redneck, hillbilly family in the deep Appalachian Mountains. Everything about your family is dirty, weird, gross, and offensive, and there is a good chance your mother and father are blood relatives. Though your diet consists mostly of possum, raccoon, and corn, you are generally well fed and pretty well taken care of. However, you have nothing in common with your family and you will have little to no contact with mainstream civilization and will be completely unable to leave your parents until you are a legal adult.

QUESTION: Which possibility do you choose and why?

Suggestions For New Olympic Events

Indian Leg Wrestling

One Handed Knife Fighting (like in Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” video)

Poetry Recitation (no original poems allowed)

Star Gazing

Heckling (this could be done in conjunction with any of the real events)

Whistling Dixie

Pistol Whipping (to make it more objective, it would have to be to the death of course)

The Border Cross (contestants run and swim through an obstacle course whilst being shot at by armed guards)

Lactating