Tuesday, January 8, 2013

2012 in Retrospect

"Aaaahhh, 2012."
For the last few days I've enjoyed saying that with a breath of nostalgia while reclining, kicking up my feet, and lacing my fingers behind my head.
"What a year."
Sometimes I say that too.
Other exclamations I've been heard uttering whilst reminiscing about 2012 include; "Deeee-amn!" "We gotta do that sh#@ again." and "Sheeeeesh." This last one will be accompanied with a slight head shake and a wry smile.
That's how good my year went. In fact, I improved more in 2012 than I did in the last 10 years combined. This is the first time I neared the end of the year and found I had no more sins to repent of, and no more blessing to ask for. So when I prayed, me and God just talked about the weather, the lack of leadership within the GOP, or other mysteries of the universe.

So, what made my year so good, you ask? Well, at the beginning of 2012 I set some pretty lofty goals for myself, and having accomplished all of them, I had what some call a 100% year. I reached my maximum capacity, and realized my full potential.

(A sample of some of my minor accomplishments)

After completing the cannon of American and British Classics, I translated them to Tolkien's Elvish.

I completed P90X, Y, and Z. Then sold my exercise video to Tony Horton.

I finally published the book I'd been working on under the pseudonym E.L. James, then let my heavy set widow neighbor do the press tour for me.

I did pull-ups... all day.

I eradicated offensive, politically incorrect language like "crap" and "retard" and "Mexican" from my vocabulary.

I learned to crap defecate so efficiently that I no longer need to wipe, or wash afterwards.

When my wife got tired of being pregnant, I gestated our 4th baby for the last five months.

Please understand, this is not an attempt to beat my own drum for glories sake. But rather to illustrate a point. I've been pondering ways I could possibly improve on 2012. Is it possible? The simple conclusion I've come to is, no. It's not. For that reason I've decided to forgo goals and resolutions this year. Our New Year traditions may demand my continued growth, but my family, peers and the world around me demand that I slow the Hell down. "Stop and smell the roses," they all say to me. "Life's too short." Or, "You're going to have a stroke and and be one of those people it's awkward to talk to because they have to speak so slow and deliberately." Now, I'm not convinced that all the nay-sayers are right, but out of love for my friends, family and those within my circle of influence I've decided to concede.

So, in conclusion, this is the year I let myself go. Gain a little weight. Let the eyebrows grow back together. Spend more time with my TV and less time with my kids. This is the year The UnMighty puts on the natural man. I'm already one week into the new me, and I have to say, it feels good. Like an old pair of sweats. In fact, I've decided to backslide carelessly just to be fair to 2014. If my plan works out well, I'll make it a tradition; Even years, excel. Odd years, regress.

So bring it on 2013! Let's get wasted!


nottyou said...

Don't think of it as getting wasted...think of it as getting normal.

nottyou said...

Don't think of it as getting wasted...think of it as getting normal.

Jocelyn said...

Wow! That's setting the bar pretty high for those of us who might want to one-up you this year, but I think I'll manage.

Admiral Joe said...

in case no one's ever told you this, unmighty.blogspot.com is not very fun. I'm glad I remembered the.

Jules said...

Ohhhhh, so THAT's why you've developed a dependency on Mountain Dew.. was it mountain dew, you said you'd prefer on my blog? Crap. Now I have to go back and check...

Babe in Boysland said...

Since you're just gonna suck for 2013, here is a list of stuff you can add to the sucking:

-Eat easy cheese and cool whip for at least one meal a day.

-Be sure to miss any celebrations for your children's birthdays.

-Offend your wife's closest friends... to their faces.

-DO NOT mow the lawn. Ever.

-Tell your kids there's no Santa... because you killed him.

-Start re-saying words like "crap" "retard" and "Mexican". Add "gay" to the list.

Happy 2013!